I was hoping you guys could help me out with my situation with my wife. My wife and I are second generation Indian Americans. Growing up here, I just never really was able to date anyone or have a girlfriend. I had a lot of female friends, and had a good group of friends, but just things never clicked. I don’t think I am necessarily bad looking, it just didn’t play out.
After I finished my Masters, my mom and her friends went to look for a girl for me. For those not familiar, Indian arranged marriages are more like arranged dating. We ended up spending some time together, we went on three dates and we talked over facebook a lot. I thought she was really into me, and I was really happy about that. I told her that I was a virgin, and she told me that she was as well. She said she made a dating website account, but deleted it because of all the lewd messages she got.
We got married five months later. A lot of the things like moving in together actually worked out good, we are both clean people, and she appreciated that because every guy she knew was a slob. She likes the fact that I am a good cook, and she gets along great with my friend group to the point where she hangs out with them more than her own friends.
The problem that has been really hurting our marriage is when it comes to sex. I know no one’s first time is great, but so many things happened that really just have ruined things. I was worried that it was too small; I know the average is 6, and I am over 5 so I didn’t think it would be anything that couldn’t be overcome. The first time she actually saw me naked she was turned off by my penis.
She didn’t say that I was small, but she said that I was 6ft tall, so she expected me to be proportional. She told me later that she was upset that it was not circumcised. Other things that just happen too, we had sex, she just lays there and a lot of times will tell me in the middle of sex that she is just tired and wants to go to sleep.
We had a long talk because I started to get the impression that she was lying about her virginity. She never bled ( I know some girls don’t because they lose it other ways), but that compounded by the fact that she was constantly comparing me and criticizing me. She first denied it, saying that she just knew from her female friends.
Then it finally came out and she told me that she did sleep with other guys before.She told me the reason she didn’t tell me is because Indian guys have a reputation for being sexists. She thought that I probably slept with girls before too, because I was normal compared to the other Indian guys. And that her lying wasn’t a big deal.
I did ask her if there is something I can do to make it better for her, and she told me that “I just need to get it.” That no other guy she been with needed instructions, that sex is a natural thing, and she compared it to eating.
I watched some amateur porn and even read some ebooks on sex. I don’t know if it’s because she just isn’t attracted to me. It’s not that I think I am bad looking it’s that the guys she was with before were popular guys in fraternities. I really am thinking that her past is really a blockade on our future together. The main reason I say that is that from talking to her about sex, it really seems like she got used to being the popular guy’s girlfriend and I just am not that.
One of the main reasons why I went down the arranged marriage path was so I could find a girl that was on a similar level with me. I wholeheartedly don’t think I am “bad at sex” I just think compared to what she has as the perception of the popular guys before me, that I am bad comparatively.
I haven’t talked to any of my friends about this issue, because I think it would look poorly on our marriage, hence why I am coming to you guys. Please give me some advice. I am sorry if my grammar is off or my story is all over the place, I don’t really know how to organize this post.
https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/3 ... _marriage/